


Once in a While

by TonySawicki



Series: Don't Quit Your Day Job (the Retail AU) [2]
Category: Dir en grey
Genre: A lot of kissing and smiling, Alternate Universe - Retail, Anal Sex, Awkwardness, Control, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff and Smut, Kaoru is a big sap, M/M, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:14:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22430920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: Kaoru was reasonably sure he had to be dreaming.Toshiya had come home with him, and was sitting there in his living room, holding a beer, and being… quiet.Yes, there was no question about it. This had to be a dream.
Relationships: Kaoru/Toshiya (Dir en grey)
Series: Don't Quit Your Day Job (the Retail AU) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1614199
Comments: 27
Kudos: 48





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This picks up right where "Now and Then" left off pretty much, only we get to hear a little bit about Kaoru and Toshiya. I'm anticipating that I might casually and sporadically add more chapters to this, but not on any set schedule, so it's left open for now. I just wanted to give these guys a space for their own story in the AU, heh.  
> (If you haven't read "Now and Then" it's... probably fine? To read this as like a smutty one-shot. But the context is all in other fic.)

Kaoru was reasonably sure he had to be dreaming.

He didn’t dream often—or at least not the kind that he remembered—and it was even rarer for him to recognize a dream in the middle of it, but what else could it be?

His band, a little, scrapped-together group of misfits from the store where they all worked, had just performed to a full, adoring crowd at the Battle of the Bands. It had been the best they’d ever played, and they’d _won_ , and high on adrenaline, Kaoru had finally made his move, and kissed Toshiya.

And Toshiya had kissed him _back_.

In fact, Toshiya had come home with him, and was sitting there in his living room, holding a beer, and being… _quiet_.

Yes, there was no question about it. This had to be a dream.

Even so, Kaoru wanted to be sure that he enjoyed this rare opportunity, to see Toshiya up close and so calm, seemingly happy. He never got to be alone with Toshiya, and he didn’t want to waste a second of it.

Toshiya was watching him, like he expected him to do something, and Kaoru suddenly realized, he probably _did_. If he was supposed to be playing host, he was doing a lousy job of it so far. Dream or not, he could stand to be more hospitable. At least he’d given Toshiya a beer.

“You were great onstage tonight,” Toshiya said, finally. His smile was small, shy, somehow not much like the one Kaoru was used to seeing on him.

“Thanks,” Kaoru said. “I was—Of course, I thought the whole band played well. Very unified, a strong sound.”

Toshiya’s smile grew. “Guess we must’ve played all right if we won.”

Kaoru nodded. “We have you to thank for it. If you hadn’t taken the initiative to get us into the competition…”

“Please. It was obviously a group effort.”

Kaoru had to smile, too, at that. “I think you must be right.”

Silence fell between them again, and it occurred to Kaoru that he didn’t have the first idea how to disrupt it. He wanted to talk to Toshiya, to learn more about him and get to know him better, but he didn’t know where to start. They weren’t strangers; shouldn’t he already know some things about him? Shouldn’t he know how to start a damn conversation?

“Listen,” Toshiya said, startling Kaoru from his thoughts. He was looking down at his beer and his eyebrows were drawn together. “I—About the—kiss, we don’t have to do anything, I mean, _change_ anything, if that’s not what you want.”

“Oh.” Kaoru chewed his lip. “Is… is that not what _you_ want?”

“No, of course, I want—But it doesn’t have to mean, you know, my being here, it’s not…”

“Ah. Right.”

God, what was Kaoru, the stupidest man alive? Toshiya had _come home_ with him, obviously he was expecting things to go a certain way, and here Kaoru was, letting him just sit there thinking Kaoru wasn’t interested.

“I’m doing this all wrong,” Kaoru said.

Toshiya looked at him, eyes all round and innocent.

“I kissed you,” Kaoru went on, “because it was something I’d wanted to do for a long time, and I'd been too much of a coward to make a move.” He shook his head. “I’m not going to keep being a coward now. I’d like to kiss you again.”

For some reason, Toshiya bursting out laughing wasn’t the response Kaoru expected.

“Yeah, no shit, I’d like to kiss you again, too,” Toshiya said. He set his beer aside. “I just wasn’t sure if you were having second thoughts."

“More like I was doubting my own grasp on reality,” Kaoru admitted. “You being here seems… too good to be true.”

Toshiya grinned. “Who’d have guessed you’d be such a romantic?”

“I do mean literally, I thought I might have dozed off.”

“Hmm.” Toshiya tapped a finger against his lips. “What can I do to properly convince you you’re awake?”

Kaoru leaned in, taking the hint, and pressed his lips to Toshiya’s, warm and still smiling faintly. He didn’t think he would ever get tired of kissing him.

It wasn’t the most comfortable or ideal of locations, both of them sitting on the floor, trying to maneuver without hitting the coffee table, hands clumsily reaching for each other, struggling to find purchase without overbalancing. Kaoru tried not to be deterred, kissed his way down the column of Toshiya’s long throat, and delighted in how Toshiya gasped under his ministrations.

Toshiya meanwhile was smoothing his hands over Kaoru’s chest, the exploration gentle and somewhat restrained.

Kaoru wanted to tell him to be bolder, to do whatever he wanted, to take anything he could reach, but his nerves kept any of it from leaving his mouth, and he remained focused instead on his task of tracing the tendons in Toshiya’s neck with his tongue. 

The way Toshiya reacted was absolutely addictive. Every new sensitive patch of skin Kaoru discovered earned him shivers, shudders, tiny swallowed-down sounds, and he still hadn’t made it past Toshiya’s collarbone. Swiping his tongue over Toshiya’s Adam’s apple, Kaoru wondered how long it would take him to map out every centimeter of Toshiya this way, just taking his time tasting the salt of his skin.

He bit down lightly, and Toshiya’s whole body jerked, his knee swinging out and crashing into the table leg.

“Fuck—shit—ow!” he hissed, pulling back to cradle his knee.

“Are you okay??” Kaoru scrambled to his feet. “Shit, I’m sorry, I’ll get ice!”

“It’s not that serious,” Toshiya said, but he was still grimacing in pain.

Kaoru pulled Toshiya up from the floor and looked frantically around for somewhere comfortable for him to sit and ice his injured leg. It was times like this he regretted not owning a couch. 

“Here, um, go to the bedroom,” he said at last. “Can you walk? I’ll bring ice to you.”

Toshiya shoved at his helping hand with a disapproving glare. “I bumped my knee, nothing is _broken_. I’m _fine_.” He went hobbling down the hall, and Kaoru headed to the kitchen to fill an ice bag with ice cubes from the freezer.

He was kind of in awe of his own ability to fuck things up. Did this count as their first date? And all he’d done was _bruise_ Toshiya—in one of the not-so-fun ways. He had to be making a truly terrible impression.

When he got to his bedroom, Toshiya was sitting on the foot of the bed, frowning down at his knee—which was fully visible, since he’d also removed his pants.

Kaoru took a steadying breath and crossed to him. “How is it feeling?”

“Hurts,” Toshiya said. He held out a hand for the ice bag, and laid it gingerly over the glaring bruise on his knee. There was some broken skin there, too, raised up where he’d caught the edge of the table leg, but it wasn’t a gash, and Kaoru figured Toshiya would disdainfully reject any offer of a bandage.

Another silence stretched between them, although Kaoru didn’t feel fully conscious of any time passing.

Then, “The ice is helping,” Toshiya said, and although it was terse, it was reassuring in its way.

“It’s not… how I meant for any of this to go,” Kaoru said. He was trying very hard to keep his gaze anywhere but on Toshiya’s impossibly long, pale thighs, spread wide so he could prop up his knee. It wasn’t the time to fixate on such things, but he could hardly ignore how beautiful Toshiya was.

“Do you ever come out of your head, or you’re pretty much stuck up there 24/7?”

Kaoru’s eyes snapped up to Toshiya’s face, saw how he was watching him. “It’s a safe place for me.”

“Is it?” Toshiya asked. “Seems like you can’t get much done from in there.”

“What do you suggest?”

Toshiya chewed his lip, looking thoughtful. “I can’t ask you to totally drop your guard and open up to me all at once. I get that it takes time, and effort. But I hope you’ll gradually become more trusting and comfortable with me. Until then… Maybe you could tell me what you’re thinking once in a while?”

There was a hopeful but hesitant look in his eyes, and it scared Kaoru more than it probably should have.

He didn’t want to disappoint Toshiya, but how could he possibly tell him anything he was thinking? He wanted to make the effort, but it almost felt like too much to ask. How could anything good come of Kaoru sharing his thoughts or feelings, things so volatile and unpredictable? Surely, there was some alternative, where Toshiya could feel like Kaoru was opening up without Kaoru actually having to be vulnerable?

“You’re treating this like some puzzle with a solution,” Toshiya said. “It’s not. We’re just having a conversation.”

“It still seems like there’s a right and a wrong answer,” Kaoru said. “I don’t want to let you down.”

“You can’t think like that,” Toshiya said, frowning. “If you’re always revising what you say to make it whatever you think I want to hear, then you’ll never be really honest with me, and I can tell you right now, that’s _not_ what I want.”

Kaoru sighed. This was going to be so much work. But he did think Toshiya was worth it. “So then, what exactly do you want to know?”

“A minute ago, you had this lost look,” Toshiya said. “I want to know what was on your mind.”

Kaoru thought about it, about what had been on his mind besides the inevitability of his disappointing Toshiya, and felt his cheeks start burning. “Oh. Um. I was just thinking… how beautiful you are.”

Toshiya raised an eyebrow, but he was smiling. “Is that for real?”

“It’s hard not to notice, even though I should be worried about you being hurt.”

Toshiya scoffed. “Do you think I’m made of glass? I plan to spread a rumor at the store, how I busted my knee very dramatically onstage, so this is basically a plus for me.”

“Then,” Kaoru said, slowly, “You’re not too injured for… I could kiss you again?”

Toshiya laughed, and his hand was cupping the back of Kaoru’s neck, pulling him forward until their lips met before the smile could fade form his face.

Kaoru still tried to be careful, dreaded the imaginary possibility of hurting Toshiya further—knocking him off the bed or hitting the bedside lamp so it fell on top of him—but the longer he kissed Toshiya the less he worried. It still felt unreal, but it felt so good and so _correct_ , and he never wanted it to end.

It seemed that Toshiya had a few more ideas than Kaoru did, because without even pausing in their kissing for air, Toshiya’s hands started unbuttoning Kaoru’s shirt, slipping beneath to press warm and steady against Kaoru’s bare chest, and maybe it gave away just how rarely Kaoru saw any action, but the touch had his breath shuddering out of him, flames lighting low in his belly. He couldn’t be close enough, even if he was lying right on top of Toshiya.

Which, naturally, he was, before he could even realize what he was doing. Toshiya was pushed down onto the mattress with Kaoru over him, still delicately avoiding his banged-up knee, and intensely focused once again on kissing Toshiya’s neck from collarbone to jaw and back down.

No complaints were heard from Toshiya. His hands kept up their explorations of Kaoru’s chest, shoved his shirt off his shoulders and onto the floor, and his eyes went wide as Kaoru sat up and looked down at him in all his shirtless glory.

“Wow,” Toshiya said, running his hands down Kaoru’s arms. “You, uh. You have a lot of tattoos.”

Kaoru looked down at himself. “Do they bother you?”

Of course he usually kept them covered, for work and everything. Even in the band’s ventures, it wasn’t his habit to show off more than his forearms. Some people were comfortable displaying a lot of skin, but that had never been Kaoru’s thing, and Toshiya seeing it all at once… He was starting to wonder if he should have warned him somehow.

“Only if by ‘bother me’ you mean ‘turn me on’,” Toshiya said. “Like…. hot and bothered. I didn’t realize they covered so much of you. You look like a badass.”

Kaoru raised an eyebrow. “What, you didn’t think so before?”

Toshiya laughed. “At the store, you know, you have a kind of sexy-nerd thing going on, it’s different.”

Kaoru was pretty sure he should be offended by that but he couldn’t find it in himself to be concerned with it, not when Toshiya was lying on his bed, smiling up at him. At least he thought he was a _sexy_ nerd.

“I’m different than I am at the store in a lot of ways,” Kaoru said, and he moved back so he could get between Toshiya’s legs, careful not to upset the ice bag still balanced on his knee.

Toshiya was watching him, his eyes curious, almost black, and Kaoru never wanted him to look away.

He ran his hands up Toshiya’s long thighs, somewhat awed by how smooth they were and by his almost irrepressible urge to mark them up with bruises and love bites. Toshiya looked like some sensual canvas, just waiting for Kaoru to decorate him.

Kaoru also couldn’t miss the erection Toshiya was sporting, obvious in his tight red briefs. As still as Toshiya was keeping, that didn’t stop his cock from twitching a couple of times under Kaoru’s intense gaze, and he refused to even pretend to be subtle about watching.

He lowered himself so he was lying on his stomach between Toshiya’s legs, trailed his hands lightly up the backs of Toshiya’s thighs this time, just to hear his breath hitch. He hid his smile against Toshiya’s skin and placed a kiss just above the inside of his left knee.

Slowly, Kaoru worked his way up, nipping at Toshiya’s thighs, sucking on the sensitive skin there, leaving a mark or two along the way. It was no secret exactly where he was headed, but he was honestly surprised by the patience Toshiya was displaying as he took his time getting there. He’d sort of imagined that Toshiya would be—not _brattier_ necessarily, but more demanding, sure of what he wanted and determined to get it.

He liked that feistiness to be sure, but he couldn’t deny that there was also something deeply arousing about Toshiya’s willingness to place himself under Kaoru’s control, to let him take the reins and mark him up, trusting that he would take proper care of him and give him what he needed. 

And in due time, Kaoru’s mouth hit the edge of Toshiya’s underwear, and the briefs had to be removed so he could continue on his path.

Kaoru didn’t tease once he was there. He took Toshiya’s length into his mouth, the flat of his tongue pressing along the underside, and, as if they were drawn there magnetically, Toshiya’s hands found their way to Kaoru’s hair. It was still down from after the live, hanging tousled around his face, but Toshiya’s hands anchored there like it was their home, and Kaoru moaned softly at the possessive touch.

Toshiya echoed the sound, deep in his chest.

That was something Kaoru could stand to hear a lot more of. Toshiya’s voice was so low, he wanted to hear him saying all kinds of desperate, needy things, maybe even _begging_ , all in that incredibly sexy rumble of his.

The thought made Kaoru redouble his efforts, and he swallowed more of Toshiya down, until his cockhead was bumping the back of Kaoru’s throat, and low curses were spilling from Toshiya’s open mouth.

It was very tempting to get Toshiya to cum just like that, to have him bucking up into Kaoru’s mouth, emptying himself down his throat—but it felt too obvious, like the easy way out, and or like Kaoru was just trying to get it finished as quickly and efficiently as possible, and that wasn’t the case. This wasn’t some hurried encounter; he wanted to give Toshiya the full experience.

Kaoru pulled off almost reluctantly, nosed at the short hair around the base of Toshiya’s cock as he caught his breath. His tongue laved absently over Toshiya’s balls, and Toshiya made a noise, considerably higher and more punched-out than some of his others. A smirk pulled at the corner of Kaoru’s mouth.

“K-Kaoru,” Toshiya said quietly, pulling gently at his hair until he looked up at him. “I—want more.”

Kaoru kissed the top of his cock once more and nodded as he sat up. “Anything you want, baby.”

Toshiya licked his lips, then hooked his hands behind his own knees and pulled his legs up, giving Kaoru quite a spectacular view. “I want to give you what you want, too.”

It would have been stupid to ask how Toshiya thought he knew what Kaoru wanted, given the way Kaoru was staring. He had to look so _hungry_ , and there was no disguising how hard his own cock was, straining against the confines of his clothing.

“Unless that’s not….” Toshiya started, doubt flickering over his face as he started to lower his legs.

“No, I—Toshiya,” Kaoru said, one hand on Toshiya’s calf, “I want you. I would like nothing more than to… share this kind of intimacy.”

Just like that, Toshiya was laughing at him again.

Kaoru bristled. “I don’t see what’s so funny about that.”

“It’s not, it’s just,” Toshiya said, and bit his lip to quiet his laughter. “God, are you like this about everything? I’m glad you want me, but it doesn’t have to be so _serious_.”

Kaoru couldn’t help his frown. “I want you to low that I take this seriously.”

“I just want you to _enjoy_ it, too.”

There was no imaginable scenario where Kaoru didn’t enjoy getting to be with Toshiya like this, but he supposed he’d have to do better showing that, since it wasn’t apparently as obvious to Toshiya himself.

Actions speak louder than words, so Kaoru reached for the lube he kept in a drawer of his bedside table without any further debate.

Toshiya’s eyes locked on the bottle with pure, dangerous desire, and he held his legs wide, giving Kaoru access to the most intimate parts of his body.

It was hard for Kaoru to fully process how he’d ended up here, his slicked-up fingers pressing into Toshiya’s hole, warm and tight. It accepted him without difficulty. Toshiya’s head was tilted back, his lips pressed together, preventing him from crying out, and every rigid line of his body was beautiful in its tension. Kaoru wanted to worship him, to cover every centimeter of Toshiya with kisses until his skin was singing, but he couldn’t let himself be distracted at this point.

He got Toshiya prepared quickly and efficiently, and only paused to briefly check in before he was opening his own pants, getting a condom over his erection and lining himself up at Toshiya’s entrance.

Toshiya’s eyes were on him, not impatient, but expectant once again, and Kaoru outright refused to disappoint him. He breached his hole with little resistance and slid home in one patient movement.

“Toshiya,” he whispered. He meant to get a response, confirm that he was comfortable and that they could continue, but it came out sounding more like some desperate plea. He breathed out, tried again, “Are you okay?”

“I’m way past okay,” Toshiya said with a hoarse chuckle. “Or do you not realize just how fucking long I’ve wanted you inside me?”

“I… you wanted this?”

Sure, on some level, Kaoru had known that Toshiya wanted this, based on his favorable responses and declared interest, but the thought that Toshiya had been _imagining_ Kaoru filling him, had been _wanting_ it, left Kaoru shivering.

Toshiya’s expression faltered. “You ask that like it’s something you never thought about yourself.”

Once again, Kaoru doubted himself, his ability to produce the right answer. There had been times when he’d thought of having this with Toshiya, when he’d wanted it so badly his chest ached, but he’d always cautioned himself against wishful thinking or hoping for the impossible, so such fantasies had tended to be short-lived.

It seemed like that wasn’t what Toshiya wanted to hear. Was he really not bothered by the invasion of his privacy inherent in Kaoru's having those thoughts about him?

Toshiya’s hips rocked, and his body squeezed around Kaoru’s length, bringing his attention back.

“I’m just saying,” Toshiya said, “I’ve spent a whole lot of lonely nights thinking about you, so knowing you were thinking of me, too, might make me feel better.”

“I’ve thought of you,” Kaoru said simply.

Toshiya made a pleased sound, and his arms wrapped around Kaoru’s shoulders, pulling him in close enough to speak against his lips. “How does it compare? C’mon, tell me how it feels.”

Oh, right, Toshiya wanted him to talk about what was on his mind. That was so much easier said than done.

There Kaoru was, balls-deep in this impossibly beautiful man, more excited than perhaps he’d ever been, honestly, but when he tried to find the words to describe how it felt, all he could come up with was “ _warm_ ” and “ _nice_ ”. He had the distinct impression that those were the kind of responses that got Toshiya laughing at him.

Hoping it sounded at least a little bit sexier even if it lacked poetry, Kaoru said, “Good. Feels—so good, having you all around me.”

Maybe that still wasn’t what Toshiya was looking for, but he accepted it, and kissed Kaoru, his tongue sliding along his bottom lip, then past it into his mouth with no other warning.

It shocked a moan out of Kaoru. He was a capable man, used to being in control and managing things; having someone so easily yank the rug out from under him left him almost dizzy, and his hips jerked, driving him just a fraction deeper into Toshiya’s body.

Toshiya gasped, arching his back. “ _Yes_.” He pulled back enough to look at Kaoru and whispered, “Fuck me.”

Some small rebellious part of Kaoru wanted to refuse, to draw out the teasing just to show Toshiya who was in charge here. The heat in Toshiya’s gaze overtook that impulse, told him to make it good and not hold back.

Toshiya held onto him, but never stopped moving. He met Kaoru’s thrusts where he could, arched and writhed, and litanies of pleasure fell continuously from his mouth.

Kaoru got lost in the moment. He was usually the one with his feet on the ground, but he was nowhere near it now, and by the time he realized he was mumbling his own streams of praise and sweet nothings it was too late to cut himself off.

He couldn’t regret anything he was saying anyway, even if he had half an idea what it was; he was far too happily distracted by the sheer _feeling_ of Toshiya tight around him, moving below him, his cock hard and slick against Kaoru’s belly.

There was a rushing in Kaoru’s ears, almost like the crowd cheering for them up onstage, and the high feeling of joy and fulfillment wasn’t so different either. His whole body was vibrating right along with Toshiya’s, the two of them making music of another kind altogether, and it was bringing something up inside Kaoru, something powerful and unfamiliar, and before he could recognize what was happening, his orgasm was overtaking him, crashing through him rather traditionally, like a tidal wave, and he could barely gasp out Toshiya’s name as he shook through it.

Toshiya whined, clenching around him, rubbing his cock against him, chasing that dull friction until he, too, came, with an almost pained cry.

Kaoru regretted his angle, how he wasn’t in the best position to see everything, to watch Toshiya cum, to then witness his face, blissed-out and sated. He wanted to stare at him for hours, but he was too close and too far away, and he needed to do things in the proper order.

After cautiously pulling out and extricating himself from the lazy tangle of Toshiya’s limbs, he hurried to get a damp cloth to help them both get cleaned up, and made sure to pick up the ice bag that had fallen on the floor, so it could go back on Toshiya’s knee, even if the ice was mostly melted by that point.

Toshiya stayed where he lay, eyes half-lidded, a small smile on his face. “You’re all set on takin’ care of me now, hm?”

Kaoru didn’t pause in his walk around the room to collect all the abandoned clothing into a tidy pile. “Would you prefer if I didn’t?”

Toshiya shook his head, still smiling. “’s’nice. You’re sweet.”

Kaoru set the clothes where they could be easily found, and sat on the bed. “I like you, so I want to take care of you. I doubt most people I meet would use the word ‘sweet’ to describe me.”

“Guess I’m just lucky that way,” Toshiya said. “This… is really nice.”

“I’m glad you think so.” Kaoru laid his hand on Toshiya’s thigh, feeling the warmth and realness of him. “You’re something special."

Toshiya looked like he was going to laugh again. “You, too.”

“Are you hungry?” Kaoru asked. “If there’s anything I can get you…”

“Think I’d just like to sleep for a little bit, if that’s okay,” Toshiya said. He pulled at Kaoru’s hand. “It’s been a long day.”

“Of course that’s okay,” Kaoru said, and lay down beside him. “I kind of can’t believe everything that’s happened today.”

“Seriously. Being up there, rocking…”

“And winning,” Kaoru added.

Toshiya grinned. “And _winning_. The fucking dream, man. We get to _record_.”

“There’s a lot to think about.”

“Especially with the new job positions you’re creating.”

Kaoru winced. “Ah yeah. Those.”

“What, you thought you could just kiss me and I’d forget all about your shenanigans with the store?”

“I didn’t _just_ kiss you…”

“You’ll at least do it fairly, won’t you?” Toshiya said, tucking one hand under his face like a pillow. “Make the announcement, give people the chance to apply and interview for more responsibilities?”

“Would that make it appropriate for me to promote you, despite our, ah, relationship?” Kaoru asked.

“More appropriate than your _refusing_ to promote me _because_ of our relationship,” Toshiya said.

Kaoru thought about it, then nodded. “Of course I’ll give everyone equal opportunity to pursue some advancement in the store.”

“It’ll be strange not having Kyo there anymore, though,” Toshiya said. He looked up towards the ceiling. “I think the guests will miss him. Maybe more than they’d realize.”

“He is efficient,” Kaoru agreed. “I tried to convince him to stay on, maybe just a few days a week, but I suppose… He’ll make great things on his future path.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt it. Did you hear Die say that Kyo _made_ his outfit for the live? I had no idea he had that kind of skill. I can’t wait to see his designs on some runway.” 

“And at least he’s not leaving the band.”

“Yeah, that’s lucky.”

As they fell into silence, this one considerably more comfortable, Kaoru let his hand wander over Toshiya’s bare skin, just touching, feeling, learning. Toshiya didn’t react at all, until he flinched very slightly when Kaoru reached halfway down his leg.

“How’s your knee?” Kaoru asked, fingers drifting back up Toshiya’s thigh, away from the injury.

“It’s fine,” Toshiya said. “Actually, it’s the perfect cover. I can show it to everyone when they ask why I’m walking funny tomorrow.”

Kaoru felt himself blushing. “I’m sorry if I was too rough…”

“You weren’t at all,” Toshiya said. “I loved it. You could even stand to be a smidgen rougher.”

“Noted.”

As it got later, Toshiya was fading in and out of wakefulness, and Kaoru was following. He had the good sense to set some alarms for morning, and then turned all the lights officially off, and settled in to sleep.

There was something very wrong and unfair about the fact that the store would be open tomorrow, that their humdrum lives would have to continue even after everything that had happened.

But, Kaoru reminded himself that going back to the store didn’t erase other areas of reality. What he had now with Toshiya, fantastical as it seemed, would still be there in the morning, and that thought made waking up the next day seem like something to look forward to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I did warn you that updates to this would be sporadic, right? So here is another chapter of this, and the next one, again, probably won't be... for a while. There's a bit of a time jump here since the previous chapter.  
> Expect more one-shots in the coming weeks ('cause my next long fic is not readyyyy) xoxo  
> PS NEW SINGLE! Did everyone get it yet? Clever Sleazoid in Japanese is a little confusing for my brain to hear 'cause it's just not how I expect it to sound, but maybe I like it better than the original, so that's fun. And of course Ochita Koto no Aru Sora, totally into it A++

Just as Kaoru stepped through the door, Die’s voice could be heard over the intercom system:

“Ladies, gentlemen, and anyone otherwise aligned, it is my privilege to announce that as of this moment, 7:46 am, on this day, Saturday, July 11th, Kaoru is, officially, for the first time in known history, late.”

Kaoru groaned and looked at his watch to confirm the time. Yep. Die was right. Kaoru had not yet clocked in for his 7:45 shift, and the time had just switched to 7:47.

Maybe it wasn’t like Kaoru had never been late to anything as long as he’d lived, but it was so important to him to have control in all areas of his life. Being on time was one of the easiest demonstrations of that. It was something he’d always taken seriously, and he’d never intended for such responsibilities to be compromised.

When Kaoru finally made it out to the floor after clocking in, Die was waiting for him with a smug expression on his face. “Well, well, well, look who decided to show up.” His tone was teasing, playful, but Kaoru didn’t feel particularly amused.

“Should I be shocked that the store hasn’t burned to the ground in my two-minute delay?” he said drily.

Die laughed. “Hey, I was just worried about you. I was probably thirty seconds from skipping right past texting you, and just calling someone to check your home, make sure you were alive. Is everything okay?”

Honestly, everything was better than okay. It was _great_. It was perhaps the best that it had ever been. For once, Kaoru had things in his life that he _cared_ about, things that meant more to him than just… working.

“Everything’s fine,” he said. “There were a few distractions this morning, and I apologize for my tardiness.”

“No harm done.” Die didn’t ask what those distractions were, but his knowing smile suggested to Kaoru that he had a pretty good idea already.

Lucky for Kaoru, the main distraction wasn’t due to arrive for his shift at the store for another few hours, and he could give his work his full attention in the meantime.

That wasn’t to say that he didn’t like having him around, didn’t value his work at the store, but ever since interviews for the new assistant manager positions had started, Kaoru had felt like he was being _watched_ , like he couldn’t risk a lingering glance or an overly-friendly touch presenting even the illusion of bias towards one candidate over another. He really was being as objective as it was humanly possible for him to be, but the process was stressful, and sometimes having Toshiya hovering around him didn’t make it easier.

He loved having Toshiya around. But.

Kaoru had always considered himself to be a realistic person, and he knew as well as anyone that relationships were a lot of work, even if one cared deeply about their partner—maybe _especially_ then. And Kaoru cared about Toshiya so very much. They’d only been together such a short time, but Kaoru was more invested than he’d ever been with anyone. Then again, he’d received feedback before about his inability to half-ass anything.

At any rate, he’d never been so short-sighted as to assume finding the perfect balance with Toshiya would come overnight, with total ease; he just hadn’t realized so many problems would stem from his own failure to share his feelings.

And there weren’t a _lot_ of problems, but he wouldn’t even have noticed he was communicating poorly if Toshiya hadn't called him out on it. Which he did, frequently.

That was healthy and it helped him grow, and Kaoru harbored no resentment towards Toshiya for it, but the truth was that he didn’t know how to change in the way he knew Toshiya wanted him to. He’d never been someone who shared thoughts or feelings freely; not with family, friends, lovers… Asking him to open up was. A lot.

Toshiya seemed to acknowledge that much, at least. He was always even more patient than Kaoru thought he probably deserved, giving him chances to talk on his own before he ever pressed him for details. It couldn’t have been easy, and Kaoru couldn’t stand the thought that he made things _difficult_ for Toshiya. In his darker moments, he wondered whether he had rushed into a relationship too soon, when he should have gotten his own shit worked out with a counselor or someone before dragging Toshiya into it.

Such worries were generally forgotten as soon as Toshiya’s arms wrapped around him, providing security that Kaoru could never have thought to ask for himself. Somehow Toshiya just always knew what Kaoru needed.

So then why did he need him to say it out loud?

It was a strange thing to be aware of, but Kaoru sort of envied the dynamic Die and Kyo had found. In many ways, he’d always seen Kyo as somewhat similar to himself: more private and focused than the average person. But Die seemed more willing to take Kyo at face value than Toshiya was with Kaoru.

He immediately scolded himself for having such a thought. He was happy to have Toshiya and wouldn’t have changed him for the world. He just wished he was better at knowing how to be what Toshiya needed, what he wanted. He wished he could be good enough.

That was the kind of talk that always got him those half-pitying/half-disapproving looks from Toshiya. He was constantly telling him it wasn’t about being what he wanted—that he already wanted him as he was.

And at times, Kaoru really believed that.

Other times, he _wanted_ to believe it, so badly that there was an associated physical ache.

The best solution Kaoru had been able to come up with was to be objectively the Best Boyfriend possible, someone even he himself couldn’t find fault with.

He’d gotten off to a rough start, given the awkward circumstances of their first date—if it could even have been called a date. But he’d spent every available minute since then trying to make up for it.

The (main) flaw in this brilliant plan was that there was no way he could keep it up. He was setting an impossibly high standard for himself that would inevitably lead to disappointment in the future, which was the very thing he’d hoped to avoid in the first place.

Toshiya, for his part, had never indicated that any of this adopted over-the-top behavior—the biweekly date nights, the chivalry, the romantic gestures of every conceivable variety—was necessary. He accepted it all with shy smiles and murmured thanks, but in a way Kaoru knew it was all done more for his own benefit than for Toshiya’s.

Only the night before, Toshiya had said, “You realize you don’t have to _court_ me, right? I’m already your boyfriend, because I want to be.”

Kaoru had recognized it as an opening to a longer conversation, one of those that he was never eager to have. He could tell Toshiya wanted to _talk_.

“And I’m your boyfriend,” Kaoru said. “That’s what I’m doing, it’s not courtship, it’s—it’s dating.”

Even as the words left his mouth, Kaoru found he wasn’t altogether sure of them. Was that _not_ what dating was supposed to be like? Was this just another area in which he was failing, misunderstanding what Toshiya wanted and needed?

“You don’t have to act like it’s a formal event every time we go out,” Toshiya argued. “Don’t you think it’s a bit silly to keep trying to impress me after some of the things we’ve done together?”

Kaoru shook his head. “I’m not trying to impress you.”

It wasn’t about that, not really. More than he was trying to _impress_ Toshiya, he was struggling to _deserve_ him. He knew it wasn’t sustainable, but he couldn’t think of another way to make it _worth_ it to Toshiya to give him the time of day.

“Then what? Come on, I know there’s more to it that you’re not saying,” Toshiya said. He was clearly exasperated, and Kaoru wondered whether he’d finally pushed him past the bounds of his patience.

“I want you to have good things,” Kaoru said. “I _want_ to take you nice places and see you smiling, and know it’s because of something I did, something I gave you.”

“You make me smile all the time,” Toshiya said, though he wasn’t smiling as he said it. “And it’s not because of ‘ _something you gave me_ ;’ it’s just because of _you_. Being with you makes me happy. What if once in a while you let _me_ do something for _you_?”

Kaoru had said he’d consider it, and he’d been grateful when Toshiya let the subject drop, but it hadn’t left his mind even after spending the whole morning at the store.

It wasn’t like him to let a personal matter distract him from his work. It wasn’t really like him to be late because it was such a struggle to tear himself out of his lover’s arms, either. Toshiya made him question a lot of things.

So, as he was wont to do, Kaoru pondered these questions alone, ate lunch in his office, and kept his concerns about his private life private.

That is, he really did try, but such a feat in this store was easier said than done, and he probably should have learned that lesson long ago.

Still, he wasn’t expecting it to be Shinya who knocked at his office door and came in to sit across from him without waiting to be invited.

“I’m on my lunch break,” Kaoru stated, as if that would ever deter Shinya, one of the most stubborn people he knew.

“I’m aware,” Shinya said. “I had some band business to discuss, and I figured you’d prefer if we do that off the clock.”

Kaoru’s suspicions were not entirely allayed; it would have been easy enough for Shinya to text him outside of work if there was a band-related matter that needed his attention. Warily, he nodded for Shinya to elaborate.

“I know our focus since the Battle of the Bands has been on making preparations for recording, hammering out orchestrations and everything,” Shinya said, “but we haven’t had a gig in over a month, and so I’ve been in touch with a few of my contacts… What do you think about playing a live outside of town?”

"Where did you have in mind?" Kaoru asked.

“Maybe Yokohama?" Shinya said. "I think it wouldn’t be a bad idea to spread our image a little farther, especially if we want to release something in the near future.”

Kaoru pursed his lips. It wasn’t something he’d given much consideration lately, but Shinya was right, as per usual. He should have thought of it on his own.

“I agree,” he said after a pause. “You have people who could help make arrangements for us?”

“Of course,” Shinya said. “I just thought I’d better speak to you before setting anything officially in motion.”

“Thank you,” Kaoru said. “You have my, ah, blessing, to do as you will. I trust your judgment.”

“I’m glad you said that, because there’s another matter I’d like to discuss. Since I have you here.”

“Oh?”

“I’d be the first one to tell Die to butt out and stop meddling in other people’s private lives, and yet here I am, out of concern for you and Toshiya,” Shinya said, fixing Kaoru with a serious look. “I hope you know I wouldn’t involve myself if I didn’t think you needed help.”

It was pretty much the last thing Kaoru wanted to hear, and his mind struggled through the betrayal of the ambush so he could ask in a small voice, “You think it’s so bad that I need help?”

Were things really that much worse than he’d realized? They’d been together such a short time, and already their relationship problems were so glaringly obvious to their friends and coworkers? How could Shinya help him when Kaoru apparently hadn’t registered the severity of the situation on his own?

Shinya’s expression changed, softened. “Maybe I shouldn’t have phrased it that way. I don’t believe you and Toshiya are in any danger, not yet.”

“Then what…?”

“Toshiya has given me a few updates on how things have been going between you two,” Shinya said. “And I’m sorry to say it really sounds like you don’t know what you’re doing.”

Kaoru couldn’t be offended, but he did say, “Toshiya told you that?”

“He didn’t need to. Your actions speak for themselves.”

“Wha am I supposed to do differently?”

“See, I think that’s exactly the trouble,” Shinya said. “You’re thinking too much about what you’re ‘supposed’ to do, when I’m sure you _know_ that’s not a real thing.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“But you’re not the best listener,” Shinya said, not unkindly. “When’s the last time you let Toshiya plan one of your dates?”

“You think I’m a control freak.”

“It is in your nature,” Shinya said. “But more than that, I think you’re putting so much energy into making things ‘perfect’ for Toshiya that your relationship has no sense of balance. You don’t have equal footing, because everything is _your_ decision, on your terms. Down the line, that could be a very harmful dynamic.”

To Kaoru, that still sounded like a lecture on his being a control freak, but there was no point in arguing semantics when Shinya was right.

“I don’t know how to change,” he admitted, feeling rather pathetic about it.

“Toshiya wouldn't want you to _change_ ,” Shinya said. “We all make adjustments though, for loved ones. I know you want to be in control so you can be sure nothing goes wrong, so you can make Toshiya happy. But if you _trusted Toshiya_ to make you _and himself_ happy—would that be so bad?”

Around this point, Kaoru started to suspect that Toshiya might have put Shinya up to this, asked him to come speak to him directly. But if that was the case, it was all the more vital that he listen.

“You believe that’s what I need to do?”

“I definitely don’t think it’d hurt,” Shinya said. “And you know, no one’s asking you to sit there like an obedient automaton, forbidden from voicing your opinion—on the contrary, talking about what _you want_ would probably be a very good thing. You just also need to have more faith in your boyfriend.”

That put Kaoru on the defensive. He didn’t like the implication that he lacked faith in Toshiya, when the way he saw it, he believed in him to a higher extent than almost anyone. But if Shinya was saying this to him, it was likely because Toshiya didn’t feel that faith and trust coming from Kaoru, and that was on Kaoru to fix.

“I will definitely think about what you’re saying,” Kaoru said, finally, and Shinya nodded, accepting it as the end of the conversation. He left Kaoru to finish his lunch break in peace.

And again, Kaoru really tried. He tried not to plan, not to scheme, not to come up with every possible scenario and the best approach to it, but letting go of that control didn’t come easily, and he had to shut down his train of thought repeatedly, his frustration with himself increasing every time. Why was it so much harder to sit back and let someone else be in charge?

When he got back out to the sales floor, Kaoru was half-worried he would lash out at Toshiya and his other staff, just for lack of another outlet for the emotions he was trying to rein in. But then he _saw_ Toshiya, his soft smile just as Kaoru approached him at Guest Services, and his anger and frustration melted into relief and gratitude.

“Hey, haven’t seen much of you today,” Toshiya said as he wiped down the counter in front of him.

“Thought you saw plenty of me this morning.”

Toshiya snorted at that. “I didn’t think you wanted us to talk about things like that at the store.”

“Things like what?” Kaoru said. “I didn’t say anything untoward, did I?”

“No, but you’re dangerously close to pushing _me_ to say more than I should,” Toshiya warned. “So, what’s up, if this isn’t just a friendly visit?”

“Oh, um. I’m interviewing someone on Monday,” Kaoru said. “Hopefully a new Guest Services team member.”

Toshiya looked surprised but pleased. “That would be awesome! We could definitely use another staff trained to work over here.”

“And you would be able to oversee that training?”

“Of course,” Toshiya said. “I’d say I’ve got a pretty good handle on the system.”

Kaoru nodded. “And one more thing—Um. Are you free tonight? After work?”

“What’ve you got planned?”

“Nothing,” Kaoru said honestly, and swallowed against how nervous that fact made him. “I actually thought—we might do something… _you_ want to do?”

Toshiya blinked like a glitching piece of technology. “I—Really? You’d want to?”

“I know it’s short notice,” Kaoru said. “But maybe something… casual? And you could… _plan_ a proper date for us sometime soon. If you like.”

“That sounds great.” Toshiya was beaming. “Perfect. Okay, then, do you just want to come by my place tonight? How about eight o’clock, that’s not too late, is it?”

“Not at all. I’ll be there,” Kaoru said. He wanted to reach out and tuck some of Toshiya’s hair behind his ear, or to press a kiss to his cheek, but even having this conversation while they were on the clock was probably a breach of policy, and it caused him great stress for his personal and work lives to intersect in even the smallest of ways. “I look forward to it,” he added before returning to his other duties.

And he did look forward to it. It almost felt like he was holding his breath for the rest of the day, waiting to see how Toshiya would handle everything.

His shift finished before Toshiya’s, so he had time to go home, shower, and get himself dressed. He found himself pausing with his shirt half-buttoned. How formal was he supposed to go? They were meeting at Toshiya’s home, but he didn’t want Toshiya to get the impression that he didn’t take their time seriously by showing up in something overly casual.

He was on the verge of calling Toshiya on the phone just to clarify what he should wear when he stopped and scolded himself for behaving irrationally. It wasn’t a big deal. He could wear whatever he wanted and Toshiya would never care.

As it happened, that was even truer than he’d expected, since Toshiya started stripping him out of his clothes within ten minutes of his arrival at his home.

It caught Kaoru by surprise, and he didn’t have time to plan how he was supposed to react.

Maybe that was the whole point.

He couldn’t help but stammer out his confusion as he fell backwards onto Toshiya’s bed in only his boxers. “Wh—Wait, I thought—Tonight, there wasn’t something that you wanted to do?”

“There was,” Toshiya said. “I’m doing it.”

“But—”

“But what? It’s not a black-tie event? There’s no itinerary?” Toshiya climbed on top of Kaoru, looked at him seriously. “I don’t need any of that shit to have a good time with you. I just need you, with me.”

“Then what…?”

“Let me handle everything,” Toshiya said with a smirk. “And I’m not forgetting that you promised I could plan a _real_ date for us sometime soon. I’m holding you to that. But for right now,” he pinned Kaoru’s wrists over his head easily. “I’m holding you _down_.”

Kaoru was sort of shocked by the undignified sound that left his own mouth at that, and he squirmed uselessly beneath his boyfriend.

Toshiya watched him with a dangerous sort of light in his eyes. “Not used to letting go of control, are you?”

Kaoru shook his head, his mind sputtering as it tried to determine whether or not this was something he wanted. On the one hand, he knew just how much he enjoyed having Toshiya at his mercy, how exciting it was to have that trust placed in him. The other side of things could never give him that same feeling.

And yet he was completely on fire just from having Toshiya’s weight on him, from those strong hands encircling his wrists and keeping him in place. The rush of desire to _please_ Toshiya was overwhelming.

“Not used to it, but… I think you kind of like it. Doing what I say, behaving because I told you to.” Toshiya kept watching him so carefully, so attentively.

Kaoru still didn’t know the answer himself, but he did know that Toshiya deserved _everything_ , and Kaoru had no qualms about doing whatever he could to make Toshiya happy, _proud_.

“What should I do?” he asked. “Tell me?”

Toshiya smiled. “Don’t move.” He let go of his wrists, scooted down his body. “If you can behave, and stay where I put you, without me having to tie you up, maybe you’ll get a prize.”

That seemed mostly reasonable, and Kaoru was sure he was capable of just keeping still for a while.

Except then Toshiya was working Kaoru’s boxers down his hips and off his legs, leaving him naked and exposed, and it was a little harder to leave his hands where Toshiya had put them. And as Toshiya’s lips closed around the head of Kaoru’s cock, Kaoru began to question everything about himself.

Maybe he’d always had a bit of a rebellious streak, had rejected authority figures and done things his own way, and perhaps it only followed that he’d seek control in the bedroom as well. But Toshiya had told him to behave, to be _good_ , and that meant _not_ grabbing Toshiya’s hair with both hands and fucking up into his sweet mouth.

Jesus, but Toshiya was good at this. He knew exactly how to take Kaoru apart, and there was nothing he could do but lie there as he’d been placed, and take it.

There was something to that, Kaoru had to admit, reluctant though he may have been. Being able to do only as much as Toshiya _allowed_ him made everything _more_ , and Kaoru found himself embarrassingly close to begging after only a very short time. He bit his lip and groaned in frustration.

“What’s the matter?” Toshiya asked, all faux-innocence as he pulled off Kaoru’s cock just to bat his eyelashes at him. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No!” Kaoru said at once. “Don’t. I just… want to touch you.”

“Aww.” Toshiya smiled. “That’s sweet! But no, you can’t.” He lowered his head and swallowed Kaoru’s dick down again, so abruptly that Kaoru didn’t stand a chance of not moaning aloud.

He wasn’t ashamed, though, of the noise he made. If he couldn’t touch Toshiya, he still wanted him to know how much he loved what he did to him. He could never find the words, but then, Toshiya seemed to understand him well enough without them.

He laughed softly as he pulled off again, his hand taking over stroking Kaoru’s length. “You know, you’re actually doing much better than I thought you would. Maybe you need more of a challenge.”

“I thought you said something about a—a _prize_ ,” Kaoru managed, his mouth dry.

That made Toshiya laugh harder. “Can’t sneak anything past you, can I? Very well, then.” He stood up, had all his clothes off before Kaoru could wonder what was happening, and then crawled back onto the bed with sheer mischief in his eyes.

Kaoru couldn’t complain. Naked Toshiya was a very good prize. Though it would be even better if he were allowed to touch.

“How much longer do I have to keep still?

“Why, is something wrong?”

Kaoru pursed his lips. He didn’t want to lose the simple privilege of _seeing_ Toshiya naked, but his hands itched to touch, to feel. “Nothing is wrong,” he said. “But… my prize… is just looking?”

It was getting more disconcerting every time Toshiya laughed. “This isn’t your prize, sweetheart.” He crawled closer, traced one teasing finger up Kaoru’s inner thigh. “I thought you’d like to fuck me. But maybe I was wrong…”

Kaoru choked on air and nearly sprang up to grab Toshiya and keep him from pulling away, but he got a breath in and concentrated on not moving. “I would,” he said, trying to sound calm.

“Oh, yeah?” Toshiya picked up one of Kaoru’s hands from the bed, leaving him no choice but to let it be led back behind Toshiya, straight to his entrance—which was currently stretched around a plug, excess lube making it slippery around the edges.

Kaoru had to close his eyes for a minute. He knew he had a more than reasonable amount of self-discipline. He could survive this. Even if his mind was screaming, on fire with images of Toshiya fucking some toy into himself before Kaoru got there, all with the intent to reveal it this way when Kaoru was helpless and at his mercy.

Beautiful fucking bastard.

It was a test of patience and obedience, and while Kaoru didn’t always have an overabundance of the latter, he had at least enough of the former to be good for Toshiya. He wanted his approval, and he could earn it.

“Tell me,” Toshiya said, breaking Kaoru from his thoughts.

“What should I tell you?”

“You want to fuck me.”

“Yes.”

“So _tell me_ ,” Toshiya demanded.

“I want—”

“No,” Toshiya cut him off. “ _Ask_ me.”

_Beg me_. That’s what he was really saying, and Kaoru was somewhat ashamed that he hesitated. His pride was no small obstacle, and he didn’t know if it would be as easy as that to push past it and do as Toshiya wanted.

“Or maybe you don’t really want it that much after all? I could probably think of another prize for you…”

“No! I want—I want the prize you offered me. I want to fuck you.” Kaoru swallowed and added, “Please.”

“Hmm, that’s still not quite asking, is it?”

Kaoru squirmed (though if asked later, he would never have admitted to it). Toshiya’s way of taking control was so laughably simple—and _effective_. It really felt as though Kaoru would lose his mind if he didn’t get Toshiya to take his cock in the next few minutes, and almost more maddening was the _trick_ : that it was Kaoru’s own non-choice that would determine whether or not he got what he wanted.

He knew, too, that if he were ever truly uncomfortable, all he’d need to do was say so, because Toshiya would never push him further than he wanted to be pushed.

"If you'd rather, I could just fuck myself,” Toshiya offered with mock sweetness. “I’d even let you watch!”

That was absolutely unacceptable. "No," Kaoru said, “I can—Toshiya. Please, could I… Would you let me fuck you?”

“You really want to, huh?” Toshiya said, idly stroking his own cock, mere centimeters away from touching Kaoru.

“I always want to. I think about you all the time.”

“That’s good. Tell me more.”

It already felt like so much, but Kaoru breathed through his frustration.

“You’re… my most frequent and welcome distraction,” Kaoru went on quietly, his eyes closed. “I always think I’m someone who—who has his shit together, but I see you, and I—you make me feel completely out of control, in a way that I can’t remember anyone else ever doing. And… And I don’t hate it. Because you mean _so much_ to me. And I trust you.”

When he dared to look at Toshiya again, there was warmth and terrible softness in his expression.

“Oh, Kaoru,” he said. “You fucking sap, I meant like, ‘ _I think about choking you on my dick_ ,’ and you have to go and make it sweet!”

Kaoru’s face was burning in an instant. “I said the wrong thing then?”

Toshiya shook his head, bent to kiss Kaoru’s lips. “Never.”

Kaoru was still pretty sure he'd made a mistake somewhere, but he wouldn’t make a fuss about it when he was being kissed.

“You do deserve a prize, you know,” Toshiya said when he briefly pulled back from the kiss. “You’re so good for me—not just now, but always.”

“C’mon, stop,” Kaoru muttered, trying to turn his face away.

“What, you don’t like me to say that kind of thing? Or do you like it a little too much?”

It was embarrassing that Kaoru _still_ didn’t really know the answer. The way Toshiya was treating him was so unlike anything he was used to, and maybe that scared him, but it was also exhilarating and he didn’t want to get in the way of it.

He was distracted by Toshiya’s lips traveling along the line of his jaw, and so didn’t fully register the wet sound of the plug popping out of Toshiya’s hole, leaving him stretched and ready. His awareness increased slightly when Toshiya’s hand was there on Kaoru's hard cock, getting him all slicked up.

Even just his hand’s tight grip felt incredible after all the teasing, and Kaoru was reminded of the power Toshiya had over him. Anything he received was worth his most profound gratitude, because it came from _Toshiya_.

And then Toshiya was straddling him, sinking down on his cock, and on instinct, Kaoru reached up to grab his hips—and Toshiya froze.

"When did I say you were allowed to touch?”

Kaoru made a vague noise of complaint. “Really? You’re not going to let me touch you, even when we’re—?”

Toshiya seemed to consider it for a long moment, the roll of his hips apparently unconscious. “I guess I’m just not convinced you’ve earned it,” he said after a while.

Kaoru only had so much patience. It felt like he was coming up on an ultimate decision—would he behave as Toshiya asked, prove he was good and worthy? Or would he flip Toshiya over right then and there, and fuck him into the mattress? The moment of truth was fast approaching.

“Seems like giving up control might be something you could use more practice with,” Toshiya said, evidently all too aware of Kaoru’s dilemma. “Maybe this is too advanced for you. Should I tie you up to make it easier? You could think of it like training wheels.”

Kaoru decided then that Toshiya _had_ to be trying to provoke him, and, not wanting to disappoint, he reached up and grasped Toshiya’s wrists. “I already asked nicely. I played your little game. Now are you going to sit on my cock, or do I need to turn you over and fuck you myself?”

Toshiya’s breath caught. “Oh, fuck me.”

That was permission enough, and Kaoru eagerly leapt into action, getting Toshiya thrown down on the bed, settling between his legs. He gave himself a few strokes before sliding back into Toshiya with ease.

Toshiya gave an unrestrained moan, hooked a leg around Kaoru’s hips. It took him struggling a bit for Kaoru to realize he was still holding one of Toshiya’s wrists down against the bed.

He let go at once, supporting his weight with his hands on either side of Toshiya’s shoulders. “Shit, sorry! Are you okay? I didn’t mean to—”

Toshiya shook his head. “I didn’t mean for you to stop. I told you before, you’re allowed to be a little rough.”

Kaoru couldn’t help the frown that furrowed his brow, and Toshiya didn’t miss it.

“What’s the matter? You don’t have to hold me down if you’re not into it, I just mean you’re not hurting me, so you don’t have to worry.”

“It’s not that,” Kaoru said. And suddenly he was wishing he hadn’t waited until he was literally inside Toshiya to start trying to talk about his feelings. It was really taking him a while to get the hang of communicating.

Toshiya’s hand cupped Kaoru's cheek, reassuring. “You’re uncomfortable with something. Tell me what it is.”

“It’s just confusing,” Kaoru said, embarrassed. “I want to let you be in control—if that’s what you want. But all you do is tease, and maybe I’m too impatient, but I like having you spread out beneath me, too…” He looked off to one side. “And then _you_ —you boss me around, but you like me to hold you down, and I’m just trying to understand my role in all this.”

He could hear in his voice that Toshiya seemed to be trying (not terribly hard) not to smile. "Kaoru, babe... you don't have to fit into a _role_ in our relationship. That's part of the point I was trying to make tonight, that sometimes the rules are gonna bend, and it’s more fun to be flexible.” Toshiya ran a thumb over Kaoru’s cheekbone, drew his gaze back to meet his own. “As long as you’re comfortable and enjoying yourself, we can mix things up as often as we feel like."

"You know that’s not any less confusing."

“But that’s how it is sometimes. And you never have to be afraid to talk to me about it.”

It wasn’t a tidy explanation, or a perfectly assembled puzzle. Much as Kaoru would have been more _comfortable_ with those things, he was starting to understand that that wasn’t how his relationship with Toshiya would always be. And that was okay.

“I love you," Kaoru said, more out loud than he’d planned.

Toshiya just smiled. "Show me."

That was the kind of challenge Kaoru was only too happy to accept, and he leaned down to capture Toshiya’s lips with his own, his hips rocking back and then thrusting into Toshiya, not fast, but deep, deep enough to show him that he’d give him everything.

Toshiya moaned against his mouth. “ _Yes_ , like that.”

And really, that was what was important, wasn’t it? Not who planned the date, or who was in control, or what either of them were “supposed” to be doing, but that they enjoyed each other, that they fit together perfectly, made each other feel incredible and loved and _happy_. That was something Kaoru could understand, even if the rest of the world didn’t make sense.

So he took pleasure in Toshiya’s body, in the warmth of him, pulled close, strong arms wrapped firmly around his shoulders. Every time Toshiya cried out or arched against him, Kaoru gained a little more courage, security in the knowledge that he _could_ give his lover what he deserved.

It was a balance unlike anything Kaoru had experienced outside of music. They each gave and took, just enough, so that it seemed they were truly creating something more than just the two of them: a love that could be seen and heard and felt.

Kaoru was lost in it, in that love, and it wasn’t long until they each found their end, almost in perfect unison, still holding each other tight enough to bruise.

They went on like that, breathing together as they came down, neither one in any rush to pull away. It felt like they could really take the time they needed to process everything, the whole evening and what it meant.

Post-orgasm Toshiya was soft and cat-like in Kaoru’s arms, nuzzling and rubbing against him in total contentment, so comforting that Kaoru wanted to stay right there with him, rather than to retreat into his thoughts.

Maybe it was true that Toshiya made Kaoru lose control a little, threw an element of chaos into parts of his life that he usually kept orderly. But Kaoru didn’t feel lost in that chaos. He knew that with Toshiya it was _safe_ for him to give up control sometimes, that he could reclaim power over himself if he so chose, and Toshiya would still be there smiling at him.

And honestly, once in a while, a little chaos could be pretty fun.


End file.
